Make up......and January

January So this actually started about 12 days ago. Well really at the beginning of the month but the challenge didn’t start until the 12th. Anyway. My eyes had been itching all the time but I kept not itching them because I didn’t want to mess up what little make up I wear. But then I thought, that is insane. Make up is that important to you? I only really wear mascara, sometimes when I am dressing up I will add eye shadow, liner and some lip gloss. But not always. Regardless, my eyes were itching! I did all the usual stuff, bought all new eye makeup, but it persisted. Then I decided you know what, maybe my eyes are just tired of having crap on them. I am gonna go make up free for thirty days. Don’t worry Lo and B, I am still wearing moisturizer. I don’t consider that make up. So I did. The first day at work people commented that I looked tired….great. The second day I still probably looked tired. But that was to everyone else. What I am shocked by is how I saw myself. As a woman who doesn’t wear much make up I did not think this would happen but it did and I am ashamed of myself because I want very much to have a positive body image, including face. So what were those feelings, you’re wondering? I felt wrong. Like I looked wrong, this is not my face. I look bad. I need make up. Those words. I NEED make up. Wanting make up, sure okay. But do I need it? NO. This is my face. This is what should feel normal to me, what should make me feel good. I shouldn’t feel bad or wrong for having my face be my face. IT IS MY FREAKING FACE. Slowly as the first week wore on, I got more used to my face again. This week has been better, I know longer feel I look tired, and the puffiness from having itchy eyes is gone. So that helps. But more importantly I am learning to love my face again, quirks and all. I never wore make up in high school and I felt FINE about my face. Why then did 10 years of makeup make me feel ashamed? I don’t know but it did. But I am not ashamed….well except for a few things on my face. So, in order to get over those things I am going to list them and come to terms with them RIGHT NOW. Get over it. It is your face, me. My nose is crooked. It bends to one side and throughout the day I push it back the other way as if that is going to fix it. I have a red mark on myself from getting hit in the face by a ball, I don’t know how it literally marked my skin but it did. I didn’t have the mark before that! I have one tooth that is chipped twice. Once from soccer and once from a pistachio. I call it my hillbilly tooth (no offense hillbillies….but you know you have those teeth). Those are my three biggest complaints. I have THREE complaints about my face and I was ashamed to be seen without make-up. Get over yourself, self. I may start wearing make up again. I don’t know. Maybe I will wear a full face (meaning mascara and eye liner, I don’t put that claustrophobic crap on my skin). Maybe I will never wear it again. Who knows. What I do know, is that I am proud of my face and I shouldn’t feel that I need to hide behind cosmetics. So I won’t. I don’t know what all my challenges will be every month but I do know that February because it is an extra short month will be a hard challenge. I am going to ONLY drink water. No soda (eh not that hard), no coffee (that will be a struggle) no tea, and no alcohol…..So February will be an interesting month. I also know that one month I want to give up TV, and only read for entertainment. But that will have to be a month when Tron is gone. Haha, because lets be real, I can’t take TV from that guy. He can barely go a meal without it. =)

It's been a while, New Years Resolution

Here is the deal, I, like many people, made a New Year’s resolution. This year I am determined to keep mine. This year my resolution was to be me. As some might, so eloquently, put it – to do me. I am determined to be the person that I want to be, to do the things that will make me happy. I am tired of being who people think I am, and pretending I don’t have feelings I have just to appease others. I am talking about being authentically myself in all aspects of my life. Some people might just be rolling their eyes, like damn girl I learned that when I was 16. To those I say, well la te freaking da and congratulations. I didn’t. I am 28 (dear god), and I learned this lesson a week before I turned 28. Not on New Year’s Eve, but you know. Whatever. I want to be myself. I am myself with some people. Thankfully, otherwise this might be hard because I would be like whoa who am I. Also that would be an interesting conversation. Hey Tron. Um I’m gonna be me now. Not so much and no thanks. Thankfully I have always been myself with him, so his life won’t change. Ha. But the rest of you…..be prepared haha. For some, you may not even notice the difference because I haven’t put up a façade at all (looking at you family and super close friends), for others you may have already noticed the change. And others still might think I have turned into an entirely different person. But I haven’t I just tore off the armor that I used to protect myself when around you. Because if I wasn’t myself it means I felt I couldn’t be and that’s your problem now not mine. Some people might be offended that I didn’t feel I could be myself completely. Don’t be. It is scary to be entirely vulnerable to the world. And you may have been one person with whom I was authentic; I just reserved the right to protect myself so I didn’t bare everything. Please don’t take it as a slight if you are not one of those people. It isn't a comment on you. It is a comment on my own insecurity. Insecurity I am determined to finally shed at 28. So don’t be sad, be happy. Be happy that we will now have a deeper and more important relationship and understanding of one another. And if you have left some part of yourself secret with me, I understand. If you want to open up completely, awesome. If you don’t it’s cool. So, I say all this because one other thing I have decided to do with this blog is document my other challenge to myself. Which just happened earlier today. I intend to challenge myself every month to something, whether to give something up or add something to my life. Only for 30 days, to see if I even can. Sometimes I will falter and that’s awesome because it means I am trying. I am not challenging myself to blog it daily, or weekly, or even monthly. But to just document it, my feelings and how it’s going.